


Under the Surface

by HeadphonesChild



Series: Song Fics [1]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Brain Damage, Cuban Lance (Voltron), Gen, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Klance (if you squint), Lance/Angst - Freeform, M/M, Sad Lance (Voltron), Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-24
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:28:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26624434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeadphonesChild/pseuds/HeadphonesChild
Summary: Lance has always loved the ocean. It’s always been beautiful to him. Since he was a child watching waves crash in Cuba, to when he was leaving Earth on a Lion, unsure of if he’d ever see them again. The ocean was always beautiful to him. It was calming and kind and welcoming, everything he needed. Everything Voltron was not. Voltron doesn’t like Lance. He watches the waves to get that sense of home that he never gets from them.
Relationships: Allura & Coran & Hunk & Keith & Lance & Pidge | Katie Holt & Shiro, Keith/Lance (Voltron), Lance & Lance's Family (Voltron), Lance/Allura (onesided)
Series: Song Fics [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2158995
Comments: 11
Kudos: 106





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Read the tags. They serve as my warnings.

Lance had always loved the ocean. It had always been beautiful to him. The blue water reflecting the sun, the still water looking like glass… Any form it took, the ocean was beautiful to Lance. Ever since he was a child, watching waves crash against the shore in Cuba, to when he was leaving Earth on in a Lion, unsure of if he’d ever see them again. 

Lance stood on the cliffs, watching the water below him. It was still, and reflected the starry sky like a mirror. Lance frowned slightly. He was tired of seeing stars. That was all he had seen for almost two years. 

At first, joining Voltron had been a dream. For years, he had dreamed of flying. He charted stars as a child, and watched the news whenever a rocket would launch. As a teen, he tracked the missions, and he applied to the Garrison as soon as he was old enough. Even when his application was denied the first time, he didn’t give up. He applied again and again until he was accepted. It was his dream, his purpose to become a pilot. Lance had been sure of it. Now,, he would do anything to take all that back.

It didn’t take long for things to sour on the team. Lance considered Pidge and Hunk his best friends, and he knew they were close, but… Voltron pulled them closer, and left Lance behind. Allura didn’t want anything to do with Lance, he knew that. He had long since given up on her. Things with Shiro were strained, at best. Lance had failed him, after all. Shirpo trusted him, he reached out to him when he could have reached out to anyone, but… Lance was too stupid to understand. Shiro tried to tell him that he was trapped in his Lion, that he was dead, and Lance didn’t get it. Even the clone tried to tell him, and Lance… Lance let the clone betray the team. He was so useless… 

And then there was Keith. Lance supposed it was his own fault that things with Keith were so broken. No… he knew. He was the one who kept pushing Keith’s buttons. He kept pushing him away. Lance was the one who told him he’d never accept Keith as a leader, who told him to just go drift off into space by himself… He’s never been fair to Keith. Declaring them rivals when he hardly knew him, calling him selfish when he was just trying to be safe… Keith’s probably had the hardest time of Voltron than anyone. He lost his brother, his best friend, who he’s been searching for for years, right after he got him back. He’s had to fight against an entire race after finding out he is that race, and having to deal with the prejudice that comes from that, even within Voltron… Lance has been the selfish one. Lance couldn't expect the wounds from his words to heal after a few apologies, a couple explanations… He had thought maybe they had become friends. Despite everything, despite their arguments, despite his harsh teasing. He wasn’t surprised they weren’t. 

It was obvious to Lance that he was the extra. That he wasn’t needed for Voltron. Voltron could easily fly without him. There were more than enough pilots. Lance had thought he was special, at one point. He had been the one that Blue finally responded to, he had been the one to get them to the Castle of Lions in the first place. But Blue shut him out. He guessed it was inevitable. Who wouldn’t want Allura to be the pilot? And sure, he had Red, but in the end, he was only filling Keith’s empty spot. Just like at the Garrison. He seemed to only be there to fill the holes in the paladins, and with him gone, the team could finally all have their Lions back. Shiro could be the leader again, and Keith would get back Red. And there was no way Lance would ever force Allura out of Blue. It was best if he was the one who left.  


Lance didn’t even have anything special to offer, like everyone else did. Pidge was smart and strong headed, and knew their way around tech better than anyone Lance knew. And Hunk… Everyone liked Hunk. He was the peacemaker, and kept everyone’s morale up. Shiro was a great leader, and always coolheaded. If nothing else, he had his arm, which had gotten them out of more tough spots than Lance could count. Keith was stubborn, but he was loyal. Not to mention he’s Galra. Allura was a space princess, and had progressed as a paladin much faster than any of them had. Even Coran had his own talents. He knew his way around the universe, and knew so much about so many different customs. Lance… Is nothing. 

No. That’s not entirely true. 

He’s worse than nothing. 

He couldn’t keep his sister safe. Veronica got hurt because of him. And sure, she was fine now, but what if she hadn’t been? She could have died. And it would have been Lance’s fault. He was a horrible excuse for a brother. 

He’s not surprised he got Veronica hurt. That’s just how he is. He always ruins everything. He always makes things worse. He was the dumb one, the reckless one. They all thought so. No matter what he did, he just held everyone back. He got a whole Lion stolen! 

Lance should have stepped down when Allura got blue. He should have stepped down when Shiro came back. 

He should have stayed dead when the electric shock killed him. 

No one seemed to care when he died. No one seemed to even notice, except for Allura. But she didn’t care about him. She only saved him out of necessity. She needed Voltron, not Lance. She’d never needed Lance. No one ever needed Lance. 

Lance looked down at the ocean. The ocean was beautiful. From where he was standing on the cliff, the water appeared bottomless. Even in the cold night air, the water looked warm and calm and kind and welcoming. Everything he wanted. Everything he needed. 

Lance leaned too far over the edge of the cliff, leaned too far to look at the water. He was free falling. He had slipped. He supposed it wasn’t surprising. The rocks were slick, and he had always been a screw up. Something like this was bound to happen.

He doesn’t scream as he falls. What would be the point in that? It wouldn’t change the outcome. He catches a glimpse of the Lions along the horizon, and Lance's heart sinks. He wishes he was a better friend to Pidge and had been there more when they were looking for Matt. 

He wishes he had taken the time to understand Hunk more. Hunk’s lucky to have a friend like Pidge now that understands him more. 

He wishes he wasn’t so fucking stupid and had understood Shiro. He could have saved everyone so much heartache. 

He wishes he listened to Coran more and learned more about Altea. 

He wishes he had valued Allura’s friendship when he had it. He longed for something that was never going to be there, and he never saw what he did have when he had it. 

He wished he had never argued with Keith. Being right wasn’t worth it. Lance had said so many things he regretted to him, and now he’d never get to apologise…

Lance was surprisingly calm as he fell. He let his eyes fall closed, and waited for the ocean. Waited for death. He wonders what it feels like.

It doesn’t come. At least, not the way he expects. He’s wrapped in the ocean’s arms softly, as if he was a child again in his mother’s embrace. 

The ocean tells him that it couldn’t let something so precious die. Not when he had admired it for so long. Lance begins to cry. His tears are warm and salty, and he can’t differentiate them from the ocean. He feels like he’s drawing, but not because of the ocean. His chest is too tight, and everything is too loud. The ocean washes his tears away, and asks him why he’s crying. 

He tells it that he didn’t slip. He jumped. He just wanted to do something right for Voltron once.

He wanted to finally be home.

He wanted to finally have something want him, welcome him, after being rejected by Voltron, by Blue, by Keith, but… It seemed not even the ocean wanted him.


	2. Before You Go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by the song Before You Go- Lewis Capaldi  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tpmawc8gAjY

Keith stared at the healing pod that held Lance. It hadn’t been in use for months, not since the last battle. It hadn’t needed to be. Now, Lance was occupying it, his face relaxed. If he hadn’t known better, Keith might have guessed he was just sleeping.

But he did know better. 

The healing pod had been situated inside of Red. She had been the one to find Lance and pull him out of the water, and she was fiercely protective. And putting the healing pod in one of the Lions was the only way it could get enough power to do its job. It only made sense. 

Keith hadn’t left the Lion since Lance was put into the pod. The others came and went to check up on him, of course, some more than others, but Keith never left. He slept in the cargo bay. He ate whatever the others brought, or didn’t eat at all (seeing Lance in this state seemed to have made his stomach shrink). The rest of the time, he sat next to the pod, watching Lance’s vitals. He couldn’t make heads or tails of them, but it made him feel better. He wanted to be there when Lance woke up. He had to be close. He’d been in the pod for so long. 

Lance’s family would visit too. When they came, Keith would hide in the cargo bay. But he would listen to them. It was hard not to. His sister cried, his mom screamed… A mesh of angry and distressed voices piled on top of one another, angry at Lance, or at God, or at Voltron. 

Keith was too. 

Keith was watching the vitals on the pod. It had been the better part of three weeks. He was so engaged, so focused, so ready for Lance to wake up at any second, that he hadn’t noticed the soft footsteps behind him. There was a tap on his shoulder, and Keith flung his head up, finding Allura. 

She looked like she hadn’t slept for days. Her eyes were dull, with dark bags under them, and her normal pristine hair was tangled and thrown into a messy bun. She was wearing clothes that she had borrowed from Pidge’s mom, a pink sweatshirt and grey sweatpants. They were rumpled, and Keith thought the shirt might have been backwards. He didn’t say anything. He was more focused on what Allura was carrying. In her arms was Lance’s jacket, the green bomber one he had almost always worn, and a slip of paper. 

Allura sat next to Keith without a word, crossing her legs in front of her. For a moment, it was silent as she too watched the vitals. 

Then she spoke. Her voice was quiet, like she was afraid she'd break something if she spoke too loud. Keith wasn’t sure if she was worried about breaking him, herself, or Lance. 

“Do you see the blue line?” She asked. Keith nodded. He couldn’t bring himself to speak. “That registers oxygen intake. And the red one? Monitors the heart. The yellow gives the body’s internal temperature. And orange is for blood pressure.” 

“What about green?” Keith asked. The green line was at the bottom on the vital’s screen. It had been unmoving since the time Lance was put in the pod. 

“Brain activity.” Her voice was dull and emotionless. “Keith, Lance has had no brain activity for nineteen days.” 

Keith felt his heart stop in his chest. 

“All of his other vitals are fine. He is alive. But-” 

“How long have you known this?” Keith asked. His voice was steely. Allura didn’t flinch. 

“Since the first week. When he didn’t respond at all in a week, we knew something must have been wrong.” Keith glared vaguely at the pod. Why didn’t Allura tell him? Why was this only coming out now? 

Another moment of silence passed, before Allura began to softly speak again. “When Coran and I changed Lance into the pod suit, I took his clothes with me back to Pidge’s house. I didn’t even think about it. I wasn’t sure what else I would have done with them. It didn’t occur to me to give them to his family, and they never asked.” Keith stared at Allura strangely, but she didn’t move her eyes away from the pod. “It wasn’t until last night yesterday, when I saw them again on the dresser, did it occur to me that they might want his clothes. So I picked them all up, and started on my way to their house. But then, I noticed on the dresser, two slips of paper. I figured they must have fallen out of Lance’s pocket.” She turned and gave Keith a wan smile. “You know I can’t stand being left in the dark. So I opened them. Both of them.” Her smile fell completely and she looked down at her hands, fidgeting in her lap. “I wish I hadn’t.” 

She gave the slip of paper she was holding and the jacket to Keith. “I’ve already given the family their’s, and everyone else has read this one over. But it seems that… It was mostly directed at you.” 

Keith took the paper in his fingers. It was a simple piece of notebook paper, though it looked like it had been folded and refolded many times. 

Allura stood up. “I won’t bother you anymore. I’ll be just outside. Come talk to me when you are done.” She started for the door, but turned at the last minute. “Keith. Please… Don’t blame yourself.” 

Keith listened to the clunk-clunk-clunk of Allura’s footsteps as she left, passing the folded paper delicately between his fingers. He didn’t think he wanted to read it. He thought reading it would make everything more real. 

But he opened the note anyways. 

Inside was exactly what Keith had feared. He could tell by the layout, the messy desperate scrawl, the tear-pimpled paper… He himself had written and rewritten many of his own suicide notes. Until now, he had never thought about what they might look like in another person’s hand. 

'I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m not good enough, I’m sorry I ruin everything. I’m sorry I can’t listen. But now I finally am. This is the one good thing I can do for Voltron. For you guys. 

I know I should probably write you all separate notes, but I’d lose them all. It’s gonna be hard enough for me to keep track of two. So… I’m sorry for that, too. 

Hunk- I never deserved a friend like you. You made me laugh, and all I did was make fun of you. I took advantage of you. I used your friendship to get good grades at the Garrison, to get the food you made, to not be alone. I never appreciated you for being just Hunk until I was already left in the dust and Pidge had replaced me. I don’t blame you. I don’t mind. They’re a better fit for you anyways, than I could ever be. I was always too stupid to be your friend. Now, at least you’ll have someone who’ll be there for you. I couldn’t be. 

Pidge- I’m an idiot. I can’t see two inches in front of my own nose. I was perfectly content to let you go off and search for Matt by yourself, because I was too concerned about my own family here on earth. It never even occurred to me all the stress you might be under. I never saw just how smart you are. Every plan you came up with, I always said it was stupid or useless. Without your plans, we would have died five times over. Take care of Allura for me. She’s gonna need to learn earth culture better. 

Shiro- You were a good captain. I was just jealous. I wanted to be in charge, I wanted to be the one that everyone looked up to. I never realised how big of a responsibility that is. And if I had just realised what you were trying to tell me from the Lion, I could have saved so much trouble. But I let you down. I’m really sorry. 

Allura- You’re a great fighter. Better than any I’ve seen. You learned to pilot Blue in far less time than I did. I’m sorry I was such a flirt, that I didn’t listen to you, that I didn’t respect you. You’re a princess, for godsake, and I’m me. Of course you’d get annoyed fast by me. I should have gotten to know you more as a person, than as a pretty face. I wish I had learned that sooner. Keep fighting. 

Coran- Coran, Coran, my gorgeous man! I’m sorry I didn’t get to know you better. I never listened when you talked about Altea history, or your family, or anything like that. I tuned you out, like I did to anyone else that wasn’t me. You did so much more for us than I ever realised. 

Keith- I’m sorry. I don’t really know what else to say. There is so much for me to apologise for. I never listened to you, even when you were the leader. I constantly fought with you. I called you names. I was jealous, I was selfish, I was stupid… The list goes on. I’m sure there’s more I’ve forgotten. But, the main thing I need to apologise for… I fell in love with you. And that was way out of line for me to do. I know that. But I couldn’t help it. Your fiery passion, your witty comebacks, your looks, your laugh, you… It was so easy to fall in love. I guess that’s why I lashed out. I was scared. I didn’t want you to find out. I didn’t know what you would do. Fighting was easier than telling the truth. I know you hate me, you were never subtle about that. Heh… I guess that’s just one more screw up for the scoreboard, huh? I’m always falling in love with people who could never love me. They’re too perfect. I don’t mind confessing now, because either this will never be found, or it will be after I’m already dead. There’s a reason I always wear my jacket. And, if the last thing that you ever think of me Keith, is that you hate me, then I don’t mind. It’s no different than any other day. And, even if you said it to my face, I don’t think it would matter, because I’d still love you. I’m sorry I was too much of a coward to tell you in person. 

Don’t blame yourself. Any of you. 

Lance' 

As Keith looked at the looping signature, new wet-spots appeared on the paper. With the jacket clutched in one hand and the note in the other, Keith couldn’t wipe his eyes. He didn’t think it would have made a difference, even if he had. 

Don’t blame yourself. 

But how could he not? He didn’t hate Lance. He had never hated Lance. Sure, at first he found him annoying, but… He became such a constant, such a comfort, that Keith came to look forward to seeing him everyday. He’d fallen for him, hard, and it had scared him. He’d pulled away, as fat and as far as he could. And now, look what it had done. If he had just said something… If he had just told Lance… 

How was he supposed to know that Lance had felt this way? How was he supposed to know that all he needed was someone close to him? Keith could have been that! He would have been that, if he had just known! 

Now it was too late. 

Keith slowly walked down the ramp to where Allura was. His head hurt from the combination of the sudden sunlight and from crying. Allura had her head in her hands. It looked like she was talking to herself, or maybe crying, from the way her shoulders shook. Keith gently touched her shoulder, and Allura turned to look at him. She offered a weak smile, but her eyes were bloodshot and puffy, and her hair even more tangled than before. 

“Keith,” she said gently. “Are you finished?” Keith nodded. He offered the paper to Allura, but she held her hand up. “I think… He wanted you to have it.” Keith held it in front of him for a moment. He didn’t want to have it. Holding the paper, he felt like he was holding a detonator, and Keith was the bomb. But he shoved it into his pocket anyways. 

“You wanted to talk?” Keith winced as his voice cracked, but Allura said nothing about it. 

“Yes. We have… A complex decision to make. We cannot leave Lance in the pod for all eternity, I’m afraid. Emergencies may come up in which we need it.” Her tone was clipped, and she spoke as if this was purely business, with no emotional attachment behind it. Keith wanted to lash out, but he recognised it. It was what Shiro did when he was scared or distressed- he viewed the situation objectively, to remove the emotion behind it. It made it easier to come with. 

This was just as hard on Allura as it was on Keith. 

“Well, what are we supposed to do?” Keith asked. It came out much more timid than he intended. 

“We have two options, as I understand it from talking it over with his family. Bring your earth doctors here, and let them put him on earth life support to keep him alive while his brain is unable to function. Or… Turn the pod off and let him die.” 

Keith didn’t like either option. He had never been a fan of “life support”. Living like that seemed pointless. It’s not really living. But suddenly, it made sense to him. He didn’t want to let Lance go. He wanted him here. And if he couldn’t be, his image was the next best thing. 

“What does everyone else think?” Keith asked. Keith thought he saw a tear glimmer in Allura’s eye, but it was gone in a second. 

“His family… Is split, but the consensus I got was that they would rather him die and hold a proper funeral. Hunk and Shiro are in agreement. Pidge thinks they can find a way to reverse brain death, but even if they could, this far along, I don’t think anything would work. Coran thinks it’s cruel to keep him alive when he isn’t living. I…” She choked slightly. “I think he’s right.” 

“It seems like it’d be pulling the plug anyways.” Keith commented. Allura nodded. 

“Yes. But… I still wanted your opinion. I wanted you to have a say.” 

“When?” 

“Well, now that everyone has weighed in, I suppose it can be done whenever. HIs mother wanted it done as soon as possible.” 

“Now.” 

Allura looked at him, confused. “Now?” 

“Yes. Now. Then I’ll… Help you bring him to his family. If we bring him the pod, his body will stay preserved until the funeral.” 

Allura nodded. They walked together into the Lion, and stood side by side, looking down at the pod. 

Then, Allura pressed the red button on the screen with the vitals, and the screen shut off. Keith watched as Lance’s chest rose, fell, rose, fell, slower and slower, until it fell, and didn’t rise again. 

The full weight of the events of the day didn’t hit Keith until he was in Red again, making his way to his makeshift bed of thin sheets and pillows in the cargo bay, and he saw Lance’s jacket in the now-empty cockpit. 

Keith cried himself to sleep that night, wearing Lance’s bomber jacket and clutching the note in his hand. It smelled of the ocean.


End file.
